Challenges

Overcoming Challenges

My blog is opgedra my kinders, Arend en Simon, vir wie ek oneindig lief is. En aan die mense wat my inskrywings lees! My wens vir julle is om gelukkig te wees (met die op- én die aftye); om egte vreugde, bevrediging en dankbaarheid in julle lewe en werk te hê asook vrede te ervaar. Die aanvaarding van veranderinge ís moontlik. As dit soms ongemaklik en moeilik voel, dan is julle op die regte pad. Kweek die bereidwilligheid om juis dit wat jul wil vermy te herken, toe te laat, te ondersoek en dan met sorg te hanteer... dán word dit beter. Laat ek hier onder verduidelik...

In life, your internal and external world constantly change. There is impermanence and there are new challenges – nothing stays the same – change happens.

Sometimes your fixed ideas about yourself or another person’s behaviour or a situation are such that it leaves no room for the inevitable flow of life to happen...

Joke: The female student kneels down in front of the professor in his office. She whispers: “I will do anything to pass this exam!” He answers: “Will you do ANYTHING?”; “Yes, anything!”, she whispers. He whispers, in return: “Will you study?”

Let me use the example of most learners’ and students’ struggle with procrastination. Most find it challenging to start tackling a difficult task or to prioritise subjects in order to reach their full potential. It leads to ineffective time management which is quite stressful and may lead to forming inappropriate habits.

Numerous studies about the brain and stress, such as the ones conducted at the University of Denver and University of Columbia, found that non-judgemental, present moment awareness makes a huge difference. To befriend your thoughts, emotions and your experience can bring about transformation in challenges that you face. Meditation (the practice of being aware) improves performance in self-regulation, resisting distractions, and learning from past experience in order to positively affect decision-making. Scientists point out that it is particularly important in the face of uncertain and fast-changing conditions.

One of the reasons that mindfulness is really catching on is that it can be delivered in a way that is stripped of any religious connotations, making it entirely acceptable to the wider population.

When you believe your comfort is being threatened, or you are unsure about your competence or if you are feeling “under attack”, you interpret these as threats to your existence. It blocks your wider perspective because you only see the ‘problem’ – imagine you are being held in a kind of grip and looking through a tunnel.

                                                                              From samatters.com

We protect the self to survive. It is a natural part of our human development. We want to avoid or resist what is painful or threatening as if our life depended on it (and it usually doesn’t!).

We are wired to hold on to, firstly, what feels good and comfortable and to follow (temporary) pleasure states in the moment. Secondly, we might get critical and furious at others. The third red flag is avoidance of uncomfortable situations; for example by overworking or getting lost online.

To reflect, ask yourself how this might happen for you:

·        Are you avoiding something?

·        How many hours in your day do you spend in front of a screen?

·        Are you watching a television series or film rather preparing for your test or exam?

·        Are you constantly buying things?

·        Are you constantly unhappy about others’ behaviour?

·        Are you blaming someone for something?

·        Are you fixated on something like eating or drinking?

·        Are you cynical at times?

If some of these questions resonate for you, you are opposing reality. These patterns of behaviour and/or your difficult emotions let you know that you are caught in what you can experience as a grip.

Your bodily sensations are sending you a message that you don’t like reality at that moment. Your muscles tighten to help you defend yourself. You may feel tension especially around your eyes but also your jaw, neck, belly etc.

If life is all about protecting the self then it is keeping you from really living in the present. If you believe your thoughts as being the truth, you can’t keep others into account or even attend to your own needs. In addition, it makes it difficult for you to feel real joy or love.

                                                                         From cartoonstock.com

The question is: How do you deal with distractions and how do you ‘go with the flow’ to live life to the fullest?

Let me make it clear that going with the flow does not mean accepting and condoning everything in your life. It does not mean allowing someone to walk all over you! Instead, you notice what is wrong and respond in a way that effectively deals with it. Assertive actions are needed in some circumstances and not deliberate ignoring (It also means choosing to do the right thing even if it means you won’t be popular). You develop the intuition and knowledge to know when you are able to change something (and how to do it!) and when to accept what is.

You want to be able to look outward and not to be caught up in your thoughts and emotions. You are enabled to do that by the practice of mindfulness and being compassionate. These are skills that can wake you up to pay attention, to feel compassion for others and for yourself and to make a difference in the present moment.

It is like taming a wild horse - if you handle the horse with respect and patience you get much further.

Mindfulness in stressful moments in your day includes the following: uncomfortable feelings and sensations and patterns of behaviour like the above mentioned.

What to do:

  

·         Body and awareness

When these stresses arise, see them, pause and gently pay attention to your body and stay aware of how your muscles tense up.
You can bring thoughts into your awareness with language. Instead of adding more stressful thoughts, you could say, “Ah, here is a grip!” or "Oh, thinking".

·         Allowing

Letting discomfort be there doesn’t mean you are saying it should be there.

Be aware of the result of the distressing thoughts without condemning or trying to suppress them.

Keep your attention on your sensations and do not wallow in your story! Your thoughts are real, but your thoughts are not the truth. You break the stress loop by staying with sensations and noticing if you add more stressful thoughts. Gently come back to your body if more thoughts arise.

·         Inquiry

Staying with your sensations, ask, “What’s happening inside my body?    / What’s here?”

If you are in your pattern of avoidance, ask yourself, “What are you running away from?” If you are curious and do not take it personally (That is why you use the second person in your inquiry), it enables you to pause and honestly answer this question and face these fears. With practise you are eventually able to respond and not to react.

Honest answers contain our fears (like feeling incompetent) and taboos (like hatred towards somebody) and it takes a lot of guts to face them because it feels vulnerable and unpleasant. Remember we are all facing fears and uncertainty - you are not alone and it isn’t personal.

·         Kindness

Bring a little gentleness to yourself to enable you to access enough tenderness to be with the unpleasant.

After this part of the process it requires that you to do nothing at first – just being in loving presence with what is unfolding. This will enable you to accept reality and take responsibility, to act differently than before and to be kind to others too.

Let us get back to our example of a resistance to study. You may feel angry about it or blame someone for it – you might be feeling like a victim. You may automatically grab your phone to distract yourself, but this is where you recognise the pattern and pause. Instead of following the old habits, frame it as such and pause more to feel the sensations in your body. 

Asking yourself, “What is it that you are avoiding?” is a valuable tool to allow you to face what lies underneath the feelings: Maybe it is discomfort, or anger, or maybe it is fear. It can be a feeling that there is a loss of some nature and beneath that a grief about that loss. Or you might feel like you might fail.

Taking a step back and actually allowing these feelings while focusing on the sensations of it (and not adding judgement – like “I’m deficient!” to yourself is essential) help in this process of accepting reality. It involves feeling the pain of the loss or even hatred and allowing yourself to accept that it belongs there. By saying, for example, “Frustration / Anger / Anxiety / Fear / Grief is here now!” you are actively accepting all parts of you (because they are part of reality) and give care to yourself. This process brings the healing.

 Getting real with whatever you identify help you not to identify with being a victim or judging yourself as being bad and can enable you to take responsibility. Contrary to what you think, it gives you hope if you don’t follow the unhelpful habits that give you temporary pleasure or relief.

You soon realise that the time you ‘lost’ spent on something not pleasurable in the short run, pays bigger dividends in the long run. (Or when you feel frustrated and your parent keeps on telling you what to do and conflict arises between you, it is possible and normal not to like somebody you love): “It belongs - it is not your fault!”

You can make the choice of sitting down at your desk, setting your timer and studying to the best of your ability. Like this fox, you are relaxed and ready to be creative!

                                                                           From cracked.com

Mindfulness doesn’t take the suffering away, but it gives it a bigger basket to tenderly hold and know your pain and that, it turns out, brings new options in any situation and consequent healing. Healing is coming to terms with things as they are.

                                                                                    From pinterest.com

Practise mindfulness 10 minutes every day with an App like Headspace) and be present to various stressful moments in your day by tuning into your bodily sensations.

3 tips for effective mindfulness:

·        Expect that your mind will be busy because that is its nature – observe your thoughts and feelings.

·        Effortlessness – ease off trying-hard-to-relax; rather practise non-doing (sensing the movement of your breathing).

·        Ease of mind is like the Blue Sky, always present – ease isn’t somewhere else, it is already in you.

     (The same goes for laughter – instead of having your laughter get ‘swept away by supposedly serious issues’, let it surface again. The writer, Kurt Vonnegut said those are the funniest subjects to joke about!)

For professional and customised advice, you should seek the services of a counsellor, someone that uses a mindfulness approach, who can dedicate the hours necessary to become more intimately familiar with your specific situation. I do not assume liability for any portion or content of material on the blog and accept no liability for damage or injury resulting from your decision to interact with the website.

What is the Complete Study Course?

   

The Course is meant to give you or your children practical insight on how to learn more effectively and with less frustration. The lessons in this course can help in learning many different subjects and skills. Whether you love language or math, music or physics or history, you will have fun, and learn a LOT about how to study!

It is provided to students on school or university level.

Contact Details

Lucia Brand

082 782 4747

luciabrand@cybersmart.co.za

The characteristics of Mindfulness

Healing and growth happen through the following attitudes of Mindfulness:

One of the reasons that mindfulness is really catching on is that it can be delivered in a way that is stripped of any religious connotations, making it entirely acceptable to the wider population.

When you want something you can become fixated upon it. Whenyou don’t like what is unfolding or when you resist it, you simply push itaway. 

 ‘Letting go’ is the opposite of both, and it is allowing things to be as they are. Noticing and noting thoughts and feelings are crucial elements of awareness. This is your choice to break the loop of adding stress to the situation. The body gets at ease and the mind gets clearer and happier when practising awareness. This provides the ideal environment for change to happen.

Realise when you are being distracted by a thought, emotion or sensation. Step back from fuelling it with more stressful thoughts.  Witness and label the sensation, feeling or thought in the moment, e.g. ‘I’m aware of... a thought/feeling/pain’ in the moment and be present again. To release it, you must take notice of it. Releasing it is almost like flushing it out through your body. (You may also release it with laughter with your friends.)

You will probably be shocked to see how many times in your day you get lost in a distraction or resist it. Non-judgemental paying attention is a key factor in this regard. You wake up to recognise the judging – just let it ‘rain down’ in this moment... instead of it having to be one way or another.

It isn’t about thinking about change or looking for change, but allowing change to happen in spite of uncertainty that we experience.

Keeping this moment light and playful (and your laughter is yet again so helpful in this regard) and being curious about what is about to unfold opens up space in the mind and helps you not be caught up in your thoughts and emotions. Forcing things to happen prevents change. When thoughts or feelings are unsettling you might want it to be different; by resisting it, you hold things in place and don’t allow life to flow; instead you want to provide the conditions for change to happen. If you are not anticipating or expecting what to come next, you are able to rest in the uncertainty of one moment unfolding at a time and the ‘not knowing’. You have to step back and not control it. ‘Non-striving’ means just being with what is, because it is sufficient.

To have both doing and not-doing (just being) is necessary in order to be productive with your ‘do to list’.

Acknowledge that change has its own pace and time. Be kind with yourself and patient with the situation... and cultivate trust, also in your body’s wisdom.

It is helpful to notice small changes in our life. Physical sensations in your body constantly change. When you follow your sensations, you see this! You realise that a pain here or there has a lifespan of its own. It is there now, but later it is gone. This makes it possible for you not to identify so strongly with your beliefs about it (what you think or feel aren’t equal to who you are). This makes the mind so much lighter.

It is so easy to notice the beginning of an unpleasant emotion, but rarely do you notice the end! Your perspective on life is likely to be less distorted when you also acknowledge the end of difficult emotions. You take note of moments of happiness or calmness, as well. Nothing is fixed forever and you realise that you are not one kind of person like, “I am an anxious person” or “I am an unhappy person”. We tend to limit ourselves as well as others in that way that we tend to think one-dimensionally. We tend to label ourselves and mostly in a negative way. Or we get involved in our thoughts and become it. It can be liberating to become aware that you are not stuck in a certain way – now you feel different than before. You realise that you have both pleasant and unpleasant emotions. You want to allow a range of possibilities and the freedom to change.

The messiness of everyday life, like being in conflict with someone becomes the teacher of the moment. In order to respond differently than before, you don’t attach to how it ‘should be’ or ‘doing it my way’. Instead, see what it is you are resisting now, put it in words, and release it to move closer to acceptance.

You allow/create the space to see more than your previous beliefs – to administer this moment becomes effortless and it is all you need to make a difference.

If you are breathing, there is more right than wrong with you. When you take that into account, you are able to bring gratitude for being alive into the moment.

There is more freedom in your mind to embrace emotions without getting lost in them and room to give yourself over to life in the moment. If you think of all the good people and the good things in your life, you can imagine them as islands in a rough ocean (If that is what your life seems like at this moment?). These are spaces or sanctuaries for you to replenish your energy and nourish yourself. You are able to ENJOY your life and also to give other people what would make them happy. This generosity celebrates our interconnectedness.

Naomi Shihab Nye writes, “Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore / only kindness that ties your shoes / and sends you out into the day to gaze at bread, / only kindness that raises its head / from the crowd of the world to say / It is I you have been looking for, / and then goes with you everywhere / like a shadow or a friend. One of the reasons that mindfulness is really catching on is that it can be delivered in a way that is stripped of any religious connotations, making it entirely acceptable to the wider population.

 

Effective and peaceful studying

Are you in conflict with your child about studying?

Do you nag, shout, threaten, punish your child, or ignore the issue?

Is this strategy working?

The good news is that you are not alone – conflict is very common and there is hope for your situation!

Instead of the above-mentioned strategies, rely on      ·        Teaching: “Just do it!” – making homework a habit takes less energy and it is a valuable life lesson to develop self-discipline.      ·        Feeding the ‘good wolf’ – praise the positive actions and let them reward themselves after a series of study sessions.      ·        Don’t protect him/her against the Natural Consequences at school, like receiving a penalty for not handing in work on time.

What is the Complete Study Course?

The Course is meant to give you or your children practical insight on how to learn more effectively and with less frustration. The lessons in this course can help in learning many different subjects and skills. Whether you love language  or math, music or physics or history, you will have a lot of fun, and learn a LOT about how to study!

It is provided to students at school or university level.

Contact Details

Lucia Brand
082 782 4747luciabrand@cybersmart.co.za

Effective studying - the parent-child relationship

The five main principles of a positive parent-child relationship

1.    Listen and don’t give unwanted advice.

When you look back on your teenage years, can you remember how 

often you did not feel like studying?  Have that understanding for your 

child. 

·         Really hear what your loved one is saying – mirror back to him/her to check what has been said and that you understand.

·         Keep communication open by validating what has been said – that there is logic to what he/she has said and that it makes sense. 

·         Encourage better dialogue by expressing compassion - by putting yourself in the other persons’ shoes and seeing it through their perspective to have empathy. 

2.    In everyday living, do spend some alone time with your child.

A friend had to re-connect with his son without saying a word because that was how dissatisfied his son was with life at that point. It took one year of driving in silence to watch rugby together - while learning about the rules and players to show his interest - before the boy started sharing his stories and experiences of other areas of his life.

This doesn’t mean there is no discipline. You say, “No”, respectfully and your child has to do his/her chores at home - even if he/she has a negative attitude. It is important for them to have that structure.

3.   Avoid heated discussions

It is like touching a hot iron with your hand... you get burned! Don’t try to get your point across when your child is upset. When the direction of the interaction takes the wrong turn, you may say: “Let us pause, rewind and begin again...”.

4.   Synergy

Both parties contribute to the solution instead of one being in control. If necessary, during the study course we shall strike a deal to solve the “study problem unique to each family’s situation” in such a way that it works for both parties.

5.   Awareness

The messiness of everyday life, like being in conflict with your teenager becomes the teacher of the moment. In order to respond differently than before, you don’t attach to how it ‘should be’/ ‘doing it my way’. Instead, you allow/create the space to see more than your previous beliefs. This moment is all you have to make a difference.

What is the Complete Study Course?

The Course is meant to give you or your children practical insight on how to learn more effectively and with less frustration. The lessons in this course can help in learning many different subjects and skills. Whether you love language  or math, music or physics or history, you will have a lot of fun, and learn a LOT about how to study!

It is provided to students on school or university level.

Contact Details

Lucia Brand
082 782 4747
luciabrand@cybersmart.co.za